Getting past the paralysis

Let me implore some of you people once again to get the f#@k prepared!

If you think the president has patched things up and all will be fine now, I suppose there's no reaching you. It will be, "Boy, McClarin seems to be losing touch with the real world more and more lately, all caught up in this doomsday horseshit." Yup, you'd be right too.

But please consider: The jobless numbers keep going up, the Baltic Dry (shipping) Index keeps swirling in the toilet, local governments are beginning to close schools and lay off policemen as they see huge tax shortfalls, the commercial ARM's are set to collapse in just a few months, and the Fed has become the chief buyer of treasury notes. Dubai and the Saudis, Iran and the Russians, are all overextended from the days of $150/barrel oil and rioting is breaking out in more and more countries as the meltdown spreads. The devastation in Iceland will visit your neighborhood very soon.

It certainly doesn't help that we have an impostor in the White House that wants to see America punished and whose first military adventure (Afghanistan doesn't count, that was Bush's war) is likely to be the subjugation of our own country. But what can you do other than complain about it?

I do know one thing you can do, prepare for TEOTWAWKI. You don't need to thank me later, just do it. Find a place to tuck away some canned food. Keep adding to it. Get some water storage happening for when the grid goes down and the pumps quit working. Aim for the ability to barricade yourself indoors for two months (envision bird flu or other lethal pandemic, no human contact!).

OK, forget it. I can just see the authority figure coming up behind you as you adoringly squeeze the last can of Spaghetti-O's into place:

"What in the hell are you doing, hoarding? HOARDING!!?

"When on earth did this start? What the hell's gotten into you?

"All of a sudden you've turned into a creepy, stingy survival nut! I don't even know you! You should be ashamed of yourself sneaking around, hiding food just like a goddamned squirrel! That's not who we are!

"Have you got an assault rifle hidden under the bed too? God, please don't let me be living with a psycho gun nut who's planning on shooting the neighbors to protect his stash of Fritos and bean dip!

"Look, if you need help, we'll get help. The doctors can do amazing things these days with prescription drugs. Please let's get you some help and just stop this craziness! "

In other words, a true scrotum-shrinking moment. Better to risk death and starvation than face the certainty of annoyance, ridicule, or pity. And don't forget, we'll all look back on this period and laugh uproariously at how paranoid *some people* were, actually acting out their nutty survival fantasies while those of us more stable sagely held our course unruffled through the market correction and came out in fine shape. Yeah.

See, I think that's where the real sickness lies, the fear of others' reactions if we do something the least bit quirky. We run these parental or spousal tongue-lashing dialogues in our heads and are paralyzed into inaction. Then we tell ourselves we're wise to heed them.

Let me attest that preparedness action is actually psychologically rewarding because it addresses a real apprehension we have about the future, an apprehension that's been weighing on us because of our own inaction. This has an effect at once both liberating and empowering. You feel as if you own your future once more.

So get your canned food cache started: yummy yams, spiffy Spam, succulent soups, choice chilis. Let your palate be your guide. I know, it's not what the food storage experts recommend, but it's a start and it feels good.

And go at least visit a gun store so you can simper at the knuckle-dragger customers while you drink in the flavors of a bygone era when all men had testicles and guns. You'll be glad you did.

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